Mohtalim

I was out with half of a group of friends last night. Let's call them A. Unexpectedly, one of them starts ranting viciously about the other (absent) half of the group, B. The rant revealed a misunderstanding of B, which I tried to explain. But the rest of A jumped in and all started to complain about B. And it wasn't correctable misperceptions at that point. Most, maybe all of A had extremely unrealistic, irrational expectations that of course B wasn't meeting. Inside, I became angry, because some of my friends were being attacked, behind their backs, with no opportunity to defend themselves, by people we trusted and liked, and over something that made no sense. But it didn't seem like anyone in A was open to discussion. So, I simply said I didn't agree, and then sat silently while they continued to rant, until eventually they moved on to other topics.

I don't feel good about that outcome. Should I have stood up for B, and argued even though there was no way anyone would change their minds? Should I instead have accepted A's flaws and forgiven them rather than feeling angry? Hell, should I have joined in the rant for solidarity, even though I strongly disagreed? Obviously, there's no way to change what I did, but I've been in similar situations before, so I expect it to happen again. Also looking forward, what do I tell B about this? If left alone, it's just going to fester. If it's brought out in the open, it could blow up (A vs B isn't the only unspoken resentment in this group). Independent of the potential consequences, I feel like I'd be violating A's trust by telling B, and violating B's trust by not telling them. Is there any right--or even less wrong--answer here?

You record the entire conversation on your smart phone, and play it back to B, then hire C to put a hit on all of A minus one, then allow C to negotiate against B's offer then while that happens take out C and A leaving just you to rule them all.

Are these work friends? Everyone talks smack about every one else not present at work, usually complaining about something. Sometimes even ranting. I guess with friends friends it would be different. If it was a good friend I'd just bring up the fact that something B is doing might be perceived as instead of calling out A.

Without knowing the details, I'd encourage A to talk to B.

You stated your objections straightforwardly, and let your position be known. You are under no geas to fight losing battles.

I used to work with many of them, but don't any more. I'm used to some level of venting, and some actual annoyance with one another's quirks. For some reason, this struck me as beyond that. There are other factors, some of which may be relevant, but I doubt you'd actually be interested in any of them.

I think I just needed to express my frustration aloud (well, in post form). I may try to talk to some of the people in A one-on-one, if the opportunity arises, and if they are as angry as they seemed to be, I'll probably encourage them to talk to B about it, as suggested. But otherwise, I'll just put it behind me, and hope it doesn't come up again.

George wrote:
Should I have stood up for B, and argued even though there was no way anyone would change their minds?

You did stand up for B - you just didn't change A's minds about B (and it sounds like nothing you could have said would've done that, for whatever reason).

George wrote: Should I instead have accepted A's flaws and forgiven them rather than feeling angry? Hell, should I have joined in the rant for solidarity, even though I strongly disagreed?

Maybe, and no. Sounds to me like you did exactly the right thing in the unpleasant situation you found yourself in.

It's not fair to you to be in the middle of something that seems to have nothing to do with you. You can suggest to the more reasonable people in A that it sounds like there's some huge misunderstanding between A and B, and that you think it would really be a good idea for them to approach B and clarify them. If they refuse, then you may just need to accept that you can't fix their problems. It's not your responsibility to tell on A in order to satisfy some "obligation" to B nor is it your responsibility to hide things from B on behalf of A. While it may seem like you are doing the latter by not telling B what happened, in reality you are not responsible for A's behavior and you shouldn't feel like you need to tell B what happened.

If A refuses to talk to B to clear things up, then my recommendation would be for you to excuse yourself when conversation within either group turns toward bashing of the other group. You don't need to continue to defend one group against the other, which will probably accomplish nothing but make you feel frustrated and alienated from the group. Ultimately the two groups will probably just stop hanging out together.