Mohtalim

Shoe Salesman Economic Theory

Today’s review of the headlines informs me that a sex offender tried to acquire an ice cream truck. In unrelated news, American Idol winner Ruben Studdard successfully sued his ex-manager for stealing money and credit cards.

These stories fit neatly into my economic theory that most salesmen of women’s shoes have foot fetishes. The theory is simple: People go wherever they can most easily fulfill their needs.

Sex offenders go where the kids are: ice cream trucks and churches. Criminals go where the money is: banks, CEO jobs, convenience stores, and celebrities.

If you’re the owner of a women’s shoe store, and you want to hire someone that will work for cheap and still love his job, you want a guy with a major foot fetish. That guy will never call in sick. He might need to take frequent breaks during the day, but it’s a small price to pay for such motivation. The foot fetish guy will always work for less pay than the guy who’s thinking “Eww, I have to touch feet all day.” Over time, the free market system would drive out all the non-foot-fetish guys.

Based on the same economic theory, I predict that someday our entire military will be gay. If people are shooting at you, it goes down a lot easier if you’re huddling in a foxhole with a chiseled 20-year old and you can use lines such as, “Bruce, we might die today. But before we go…”